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I fought with this dissertation at the worst time of my life. I was just about starting my dissertation when my mother's health worsened. Almost three decades ago, I left my family in the Philippines, the people who had given me everything where I am today to move to America. I felt obliged to take care of my mother. To be closer to her, I decided to take overseas job and to move temporarily to Okinawa, Japan. However, her condition became worse, and finally died after months in a vegetative state. To say that I was in a state of turbulence, is an understatement.
My parents never completed college, but they understood the value of education. They were very difficult to support us and never asked us to help them. Our only job was for you to go to school and one day to get a college graduation. My promotion was my greatest tribute to the victims of my mother for their child education, but she did not live long enough to see it. My grief let me temporarily lose my motivation. Grief is a very unpleasant place to hold. It is so easy to be included in this paralyzing sadness. Many times I had to convince myself to give me up: "Give him a gib, because you are so far. Do not give up." This self-talk was well served as I have lost almost my entire will and determination to complete my dissertation. With the help of my family and the academic adviser I was able to deal with my sadness to continue. Her understanding and patience allowed me to feel, say, and think, whatever, I needed to heal. In the end, my dissertation rescued me and gave me my focus.
The way to success is not easy to navigate for the most talented people. Would I have predicted that my life would make three decades for my husband, and I moved to America? No, I came from a rural area in Cebu, Philippines, a typical small town without great luxury of Big City. I was shy like a child because I felt so insignificant. My past is therefore who I am today. To remember my modest beginnings, I am important to me. My roots made me who I am today.
When I started with my doctoral program, I was extremely excited, but was also very intimidated. I felt intensively inferior to the other students because they were all smart and better educated than me. With English as my second language, the academic writing was not easy. My uncertainties and self-doubts were the driving forces that made me harder. I probably learned twice as hard and described twice as long as everyone else. I worked harder and longer to compensate for my defects. I still remember how I was fighting during my first course and how frustrating it was when I accidentally deleted my paper and writing another. My will and determination helped me overcome my fear of failure.The writing of my dissertation was the most demanding, exhausting, but very rewarding strive in my life. It was a long and tedious journey, not just for me, but also for my husband and my sons, who had supported me throughout the process. From my experience, it is easy to lose on the way to lose on the way to lend distractions. However, the finish line is achievable with endurance and hard work.
I will always remember what my father has taught me to help me overcome my inferiority complex as a child: "The harder you work, the luck you get." My life would have been completely different if I took another way 25 years ago. As an immigrant of the generation in the United States, I am proud of that I came so far. Of course, there were many difficulties and setbacks, but there were many successes in my life. The small successes I slowly built around my trust, so I started to believe that I could dream big.
It has been one year since the conference of my doctoral degree. It was a transformative process for me, a self-discontinuous experience, how much I insist something to achieve something I consider worth it. My degree was a life-filling moment for me - an achievement of a life I am so proud and grateful. The experience clearly made me that I am more than I ever thought I was. It changed me. I came stronger and better. Although it was largely an intellectual effort, physical endurance for multitask, and emotional resistance to insist if life-changing events happen were critical elements that made my dream a reality. Since I overland my fears and defects, I hopefully came out what the future brings.
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